01-17-17
Boy, oh boy. I've been waiting for this week.
I'm over it, but I'm still not over it.
Where do I even begin? Buckle up because this is gonna be a long one.
Avery was a guy who came into my life in the fourth quarter of 2016. In previous entries, you may have read how 2016 was super shitty for me. Well, he was the king of shit mountain for me. The only good thing he ever did for me was teach me exactly how not to be in a relationship. During the course of our relationship he did the following:
Christmas 2016. We drove down to Florida with his brother and his girlfriend. Fun little ride. First time I had been to Florida in 20 years. I had gotten into a very, very serious physical argument with my mom a few days prior and was still kind of mentally messed up. Christmas day was fun and I got sooooo many presents from these people, even though Avery and I both didn't get anyone anything. The day before we were to leave, I had a really intense anxiety attack that ended up in me crying in the bedroom alone for 2 hours and then leaving to walk around the block. I was actually starting to feel better and stop feeling so embarrassed when I walked into the house and I heard Avery's brother's girlfriend talking shit about me to Avery's mother. I stood there for a good five minutes listening to her bitch about me and be rude, not even trying to hide, before any of them noticed. I had never been so mortified in my adult life. Crushed me in ways I can't imagine, especially because I actually really liked her. The next day we had to pile into the car and drive back with them. I said as little as I could.
The rest of the "vacation" with him, new year's, wasn't great. There was a cloud over everything. The last time I saw him was the day I left to come back to Massachusetts. Hugging him that last time, after he left, I cried because somehow I knew deep down that would be the last time I would see him. Funnily enough, the girlfriend that talked shit about me ended up reading my tarot cards the night before I left and I got a bad read and it basically predicted the end of our relationship. It said I was in a "marriage with no friendship, a relationship with no love" and that I was going to go through a period of being alone, while also being a light for someone else in the darkness. In the moment, I took that to mean I was going to be a light for Avery. Lucky for me, I wasn't.
It's crazy to me how the universe works sometimes. One minute you're miserable, and then the next you're feeling the happiness of your life. I absolutely hated going through what I went through but I'm glad I went through it because I needed to. I needed to know the hurt of not loving yourself, of not putting yourself first, of believing you deserved the shitty things he did to you and wanting so desperately not to be alone you settle for less than your worth. Because of that I know now not to settle, and I'm strong enough to be okay with being alone and not putting up with shit I don't deserve.
And because I learned these things, I'm the happiest I've ever been and I'm madly in love with a good man who treats me right. We make each other better and that's all I can ask for. I used to get so mad thinking about how I lost to a furry addict, but now I know I actually won because I'm rid of him and onto better pastures.
I'm over it, but I'm still not over it.
Where do I even begin? Buckle up because this is gonna be a long one.
Avery was a guy who came into my life in the fourth quarter of 2016. In previous entries, you may have read how 2016 was super shitty for me. Well, he was the king of shit mountain for me. The only good thing he ever did for me was teach me exactly how not to be in a relationship. During the course of our relationship he did the following:
- had sex with his ex and I found out because she wrote "daddy's little slut" on his fridge
- moved out of Massachusetts to Baltimore, MD the day before my birthday
- got in between myself and a coworker of mine he stopped hooking up with once we got to dating, and it almost came to blows at work
- had sex with a girl he knew I did not like and lied to me about it, I only found out because I found the condoms (ahem, my condoms) next to the bed, conviently the day before he moved
- HAD UNPROTECTED SEX WITH A FURRY* HEROIN ADDICT AND VIDEOTAPED IT AND SENT IT TO A FRIEND OF MINE WHO SENT IT TO ME
Sorry for the caps. It still makes me mad. This is just the condensed version, believe it or not.
And yet, I still loved him. I loved him so much I quit my job just to go visit him for more than a few days at a time. I couldn't fathom being without him, and the best part? None of this was why we ultimately broke up.
See that anklet? We had matching ones. They said "We are all we need." Yep. he was wearing it when he was cheating on me. Sucks.
The rest of the "vacation" with him, new year's, wasn't great. There was a cloud over everything. The last time I saw him was the day I left to come back to Massachusetts. Hugging him that last time, after he left, I cried because somehow I knew deep down that would be the last time I would see him. Funnily enough, the girlfriend that talked shit about me ended up reading my tarot cards the night before I left and I got a bad read and it basically predicted the end of our relationship. It said I was in a "marriage with no friendship, a relationship with no love" and that I was going to go through a period of being alone, while also being a light for someone else in the darkness. In the moment, I took that to mean I was going to be a light for Avery. Lucky for me, I wasn't.
I have always believed in things like tarot, but this one time I didn't want to believe in it. But when you know, you know, I guess.
We broke up maybe a week, week and a half after I got back. To add insult to injury, the same week he dumped me, he went Facebook official with the girl I had to watch him have sex with. Oh, the rage. The rage. You ever been so mad you're calm? Yeah, that. The two weeks after we broke up is a blur to me because all I did was drink and cry because I was so frustrated I could literally do nothing to fix this. I got left for a fat, furry, heroin addict. That does a number on your self esteem. I spiraled. I was drinking, crying, cutting, self loathing.
It wasn't until I got stood up by a different fuckboy, and ended up going on an adventure where I ended up meeting the love of my life for the second time (which is hopefully, another story for this blog!) that I crawled out of my depression hole and tried to get help and get better.
And I did.
It's crazy to me how the universe works sometimes. One minute you're miserable, and then the next you're feeling the happiness of your life. I absolutely hated going through what I went through but I'm glad I went through it because I needed to. I needed to know the hurt of not loving yourself, of not putting yourself first, of believing you deserved the shitty things he did to you and wanting so desperately not to be alone you settle for less than your worth. Because of that I know now not to settle, and I'm strong enough to be okay with being alone and not putting up with shit I don't deserve.
And because I learned these things, I'm the happiest I've ever been and I'm madly in love with a good man who treats me right. We make each other better and that's all I can ask for. I used to get so mad thinking about how I lost to a furry addict, but now I know I actually won because I'm rid of him and onto better pastures.
Tryna find revenge in the dark, I think I know where you went
Tryna find your spirit is hard, I think I know how to spend
My weeks are evil, your brother don't want me here
Your family hates me, my parents don't know I'm here
It'd be better if you loved me but he told me love myself and that's true
It'd be nice if you could help me but he told me help myself and that's true
The sky ain't gon' be fixed tonight
I know for sure the sky ain't perfect
Tryna find your spirit is hard, I think I know how to spend
My weeks are evil, your brother don't want me here
Your family hates me, my parents don't know I'm here
It'd be better if you loved me but he told me love myself and that's true
It'd be nice if you could help me but he told me help myself and that's true
The sky ain't gon' be fixed tonight
I know for sure the sky ain't perfect
*She actually drew furry porn of him and posted it on her Instagram with his name and everything. She tried to say it's not porn but my best friend said, "The dog has nipples, Jess."
Jess,
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I like the wild, off-the-cuff-ness of it. It's funny, fast, witty, and true. You have a natural ability to write out your thoughts in a way that is easy for the reader to follow, feel, and stay interested in. You spin a great yarn.
And you're ernest. Your final paragraph about the lessons you learned, cursing aside, is fully of very powerful life wisdom. It's like the song you've written and sung for yourself. It's a battle cry. It's wisdom and experience that will be words to live by.
It sounds like this bad relationship - a very bad one at that - has flung you into a future that you could not have even seen coming. Funny how love can do that - it can make us believe in one track. When that breaks, you see that there are more tracks before you than you thought.
This post is fun. Again, as the reader, I can tell that you like to tell this tale, it has a huge impact on your perspective, and that you've truly walked away stronger, wiser, and with a greater capacity to love yourself over others.
GR: 100